Hi
Gustavo! :)
The
moment I found this website I realized that it would definitely help
me improve my writing skills as I can get to see the way in which
other candidates approach different tasks and compare them with mine,
but when I found out that you were also correcting writing papers, I
was just delighted.
I
would very much like for you to take a look at my essay and briefly
comment on it as I haven’t really gotten anyone to check one of
mine and was curious as to whether I’m doing them correctly.
If
you were kind enough to do that, I’d forever be grateful! :)
Nicolás Procopio
Question
Read
the two texts below. Write an essay summarizing and evaluating the
key points from both texts. Use your own words throughout as far as
possible, and include your own ideas in your answers. Write your
answer in 240 – 280 words.
Fashion
is full of contradictions
It
is beyond dispute that fashions plays an important role in social and
cultural life today. Since it has such power, it is natural that
questions are asked about its role in society. The fashion industry
has always said that it gives people the freedom to express their
unique individuality, even to experiment with alternative identities.
However, critics argue that fashion dictates to society what should
be considered beautiful and elegant, and ultimately encourages
everyone, especially the young, to dress in similar ways. It is this
very ambiguity that makes fashion fascinating and which can also
provoke hostility.
Is
fashion for everyone?
There
will always be those who say that fashion is trivial and that
obsession with it is the sign of a second-rate mind. But despite
this, it is hard to believe people who say that they are not
interested in what they wear. They may mean they are not interested
in fashion, and believe that following the latest trends is a waste
of time. They look for comfort and a reasonable fit in the clothes
they buy, and that is sufficient. However, there is something shallow
about asserting you don’t care what you look like, because in your
heart of hearts you know it isn’t true. Appearances do matter,
when, most of the time, they are all we have to go on.
My
essay:
(no Title?)
Both
texts consider how important a role fashion plays in our current
society. (Feedback: Intro is too short, make it at least 2-4 lines long)
The
first text is concerned with the apparent sense of independence that
fashion gives us. It essentially argues that even though some people
believe that fashion is an amazing way to express themselves and show
the world their true colors, in the end, it is nothing but a subtle
way to tell people what is socially acceptable and what is not. The
writer seems to be of the opinion that this paradox is what makes
fashion one of the most controversial topics in the world. (Feedback: The ideas in the first and second sentences seem no to be connected. Idea in sentence 3 is not clear enough for me: what paradox? )
Unlike
the first text, the second one outlines the underlying significance
of fashion in our world. It is mentioned that although some may argue
that they do not care about fashion, deep down we all do. The author
also emphasizes the importance of ‘appearances’, which I
completely agree with, given that nowadays we live in a very
materialistic world where personality is constantly overlooked. (Feedback: the second one outlines the underlying significance of fashion in our world? what do you mean by that? I don't think your paragraph really captures the essence of text two)
To
sum up, I believe that fashion is definitely a force to be reckoned
with, since over the past few decades it has become one of the
biggest industries in the entire world. There is no denying that
fashion has its own hierarchy full of categories which people fall
into, regardless of their sex, race or religion. However, I’m
inclined to believe that the benefits of fashion far outweigh its
potential downsides, as it allows us to be ourselves and promotes
self-expression – in its own twisted way. (Feedback: Make your conclusion shorter. 3-5 lines should be more than ok).
.........................................................................................................................................
Final comment:
Dear Nicolás. Thanks for following the blog. Please give it a Like on Facebook or on Google+
I hope you find my feedback useful. I also invite you to make comments on other students' writings.
Best Regards
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